


Nightmares

by Vedettal



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Implied Chuck Hansen/Hercules Hansen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-24 08:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2574608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vedettal/pseuds/Vedettal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chuck's always had survivor's guilt. It's even worse because of the nightmares. Herc's always there to save him though. Usually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: If you have issues or problems with suicide or suicidal thoughts, then this is probably not the fic for you. Just be forewarned.
> 
> Why did I write this? Because I'm a sadist apparently, and I couldn't just leave well enough alone. I couldn't just live happily in my world of denial and nopes. Nah, I just had to step out.

Chuck still gets the nightmares sometimes.

They weren't worsening at least. That's good.

But they weren't getting any better either.

_The nightmares are always the same. Nothing ever changes. And Chuck has experienced them so many times that every detail has been embedded in his mind. Programmed into his brain. Seared into his eyelids. Sometimes, Chuck swears, even when he's awake, he can still see her face when he blinks. Her beautiful smile that always gave him comfort. The one that made everything better, no matter what was bothering him. That innocent, ignorant smile..._

Chuck flails in the bed, fingers digging into the blankets.

_He can even smell her. Smell the perfume she always used to wear. The one that made her smell like strawberries and coconuts. A strange combination but one he always loved. Chuck remembers burying his face into her blouse every afternoon as he arrived home from school. She would always giggle and pat his head, lifting him up into her arms and giving him a big, sloppy kiss on his forehead. He'd grumble in response but always hugged her back, his head rested on her soft shoulders, inhaling that familiar scent of safety he'd grown to know as she asked him about his day._

He's sweating now. The sheets are soaked, and it's only making the dream worse.

_Chuck's standing inside the building, inside her office floor, right next to her desk surrounded by all the windows, like he always is. He's watching her chat with Harrison about the recent news of alien attacks. The Kaijus. Harrison's thinking about leaving the country-fly off to Spain or France or England. Anywhere but the Pacific. He talks about settling there for a few years, just long enough for this whole Kaiju deal to blow over. There's a twinkle in his eyes, a tremor in his voice as he speaks with mum. The way he says her name... Angela... His little crush on her was disturbing and creepy, but that wasn't important right now._

Chuck starts to moan. Gasp. Whimper. Not yet scream though.

_Clumsy Isabelle drops her documents again. Harrison snickers at her, and she blushes profusely, blabbing apologies as she swipes at the fallen papers. Mum shoos Harrison quiet and offers Isabelle a hand. The woman smiles back and goes on about how they're going to fire her if she keeps this up. Mum reassures her that's not the case._

_"If they fired you, who would I have lunch with on Mondays?"_

_That makes Isabelle better._

_Mum was always good at that..._

_That's when he hears it. The unmistakable drop of a nuclear bomb. Sees the rising mushroom cloud not too far from here. That's when he knows. Scissure._

_Someone screams--Lily. Another person--Connor--shouts, pointing at the disaster right outside their windows. Everyone scrambles to have a look, indistinct chattering breaking out. Worried faces are mixed in with the curious._

_Isabelle decides to call the police._

_Mum._

_Mum's the only one not moving, the only one not dying for a look. She knows. And Chuck knows she knows._

_He shouts. Screams. Pleads for her to get out, to leave the fucking building and go home--get to Herc._

_Too late._

_Chuck's not sure how. He doesn't get to see it. He's tried. Many times. But he never sees anything. Never gets to know if it was the Kaiju that killed her, that attacked the building and crushed her underneath all that rubble, or if it was the missile that got to her and erased her from existence. All Chuck ever sees is the split-second look of pure dread on his mum's face and the last word she managed to mouth before the building collapsed and everything turned white._

_"Chuck..."_

Chuck shoots up in his bed, sweating excessively. He's shaking like a baby, screaming out the same word over and over.

"No. No. No!"

There are tears in his eyes, but he's not crying. He never does. His heart is racing inside his chest, threatening to give out at any moment. There's only darkness around him and for a split second, Chuck truly believes he's alone. That he's back at the bottom of Pacific Ocean, back inside Striker with the Marshal, nanoseconds after the detonation where there was nothing but empty blackness. Where, for a few inhuman intervals, he was fully conscious of his own death.

Chuck truly believes it.

He's not, though. Because seconds after his wake, strong arms pull around him, and Chuck feels the warm, heavy body of his dad's pressing against his back. He feels Herc's fingers stroke across his head, gliding across his hair down to his cheeks. Chuck hears the soft cooing noises Herc makes as the man is consoling him. His words are honey in the surrounding darkness.

Herc knows about Chuck's nightmares. His dad had saw it--felt it--when they drifted together. They never spoke of it though. Or, rather, Chuck never spoke of it. Herc had tried to get him to talk plenty of times, but each time Chuck had refused.

There was nothing to say. Nothing he could say, or Herc could answer with that would make it better. Make it go away.

There are days Chuck wishes he was dead.

Herc plants a kiss on his head and pulls him even tighter. They stay like that until Chuck falls asleep again, or until the sun rises and they both fall out of bed from another sleepless night of sleep-terror. Then, they go on with their life, pretending like the previous night never happened.

Chuck still has the nightmares. But they're worse now, he knows.

Worse because he can no longer share it with anyone. He cannot express that unspoken fear and guilt that's been gnawing away at him since his mum's death. Not anymore. Not since the Kaijus were defeated and the Jaeger program was disbanded, taking the drift away with it.

Herc knows about his nightmares.

But he doesn't _know_. Not really.

Doesn't know that some days Chuck wishes he was dead.

Doesn't know that those days-those were the days Herc would save him. Save him with his words. His touch. His love.

Yet, Chuck wonders. And that's what scares him most. That he's capable of thinking such thoughts.

That he even contemplates it, even if just for a second.

That what if, one day, that wasn't enough?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna leave now. (Never writing angst about any of the Hansens ever again.)


End file.
